


Thinking About You

by thebasement_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-06-03
Updated: 2002-06-03
Packaged: 2018-11-21 00:04:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11345910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebasement_archivist/pseuds/thebasement_archivist
Summary: Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived atThe Basement, which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address onThe Basement's collection profile.





	Thinking About You

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Basement](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Basement), which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Basement's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thebasement/profile).

Thinking About You

## Thinking About You

#### by Beth

Disclaimer: They're mine. All mine! Mwahahahahaha! Ahem. Sorry. I lied. Okay... further to a small discussion I instigated on the board, here we are. It's not my first effort, as that was chosen as a sacrifice by the Evil Computer Gods. Plus it was crap. This is one of my first, though, started the night I saw RatB for the first time. I apologise for any mistakes, as I can't be bothered to get it betad. The lyrics were stolen without permission from Radiohead, and it's a much lovelier song than the tone of the story would lead you to believe. feedback, as ever- 

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Thinking About You   
by Beth 

"Been thinking about you and there's no rest, should I still love you, still see you in bed? But I'm playing with myself, what do you care when I'm not there?" 

fuck you, Mulder. I did everything I could for you. I respected you, I admired you, I defended you in the Academy- against the ones that made fun of you- the ones who started calling me "Mrs. Spooky". 

And then I was assigned as your new partner, and it was like all my Christmasses came at once. At last I could prove myself to my fucking idol. You, Mulder! You were my hero. You were like a God to me... but you never accepted me. You never even tried! In your eyes I was just some green rookie from the Academy, beneath your contempt. Couldn't you see how much that hurt? 

And you blamed me for separating you from Scully. Never conciously- you knew it wasn't my fault- but it was always there when you looked at me, it showed in your eyes. I did everything I could for you, but it wasn't ever enough. So I figured, if I couldn't work with you at least I'd do my duty to the utmost. And if that brought me into conflict with you... hey, I was bitter, okay? I felt like Peter must have done when he found out that his idol Jesus was just a man along with the rest of us- with the same failings and weaknesses as other people. I felt like I was destined to betray you. 

I think that betraying youwas the only thing in my whole fucking life that I ever did properly, the only thing that felt so wrong. But I saved your ass too, Mulder. You don't know how much you owe me- the number of times I intervened on your behalf- I didn't want them to touch you. I can't take full credit, though- my word alone wouldn't have swayed them, but I had him on my side. 

What's the deal with him, anyway? The fucker with the Morley cigarettes.He hates what you could do to him, the power you hold. Yet, in his twisted little way he seems to respect you. He stopped them killing you so many times. 

"If we kill him, we risk turning one man's quest into a crusade." If I've heard it once, I've heard it a thousand times. But it's just an excuse- I swear I've even heard noticed... affection... in his voice when he speaks about you. You didn't...? No, he's too old for you, old enough to be your father. Besides, he doesn't seem your type. 

But then, I didn't think I was your type. I would have thought you'd have gone for that gorgeous partner of yours- Scully. I thought I hadn't a chance until the night you kissed me- I can still feel it. It was the single best moment of my life- until I figured out how you really felt about me. 

You wanted me, sure. Possibly even as much as I wanted you. But on your side, wanting was where it ended. You wanted me so much, but I fucking disgusted you. We'd make... no, we'd fuck... there was never any love on your side. And afterwards I'd catch you staring at me, and the look in your eyes hurt me more than anything else I've ever experienced. You made me feel dirty, cheap. You made me fucking hate myself. 

Did it make you feel good? Did you enjoy making me suffer? It would explain a lot. I never asked for your love. Respect would have been good, though. I resented being treated like an object. So I stopped it while I still could. It's torture every time I look at you now- but I have to. It's like I'm driven by some compulsion to increase my pain. It's like someone biting down on a sore tooth- it hurts so much more, but you need to know that to some extent you can control the pain. If you know when it will come, then it won't hurt as much. That's the theory, anyway. 

I offered you friendship tonight, but I want so much more. It was all I could do to prevent myself jumping on you... and you wanted me to. I could see it in your eyes- I guess that's what stopped me. Want isn't enough, was never enough- I need you to see me as a person, to know that I have feelings too. That I deserve respect. 

So I left with just a kiss. Did you realise how hard that was for me? And I miss you already. Consider my offer carefully, Mulder. Because if I'm not with you, I'm against you. 

You didn't shoot me in the back. 

I guess that's a good sign. 

End. 

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If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Beth 


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